A Press Release From the Not-Too-Distant Future

The following press release was meant to go out this coming September, but apparently a draft was accidentally left in a bar on Madison Avenue, and immediately found its way to the web.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
September 23, 2010

NEW SONY TELEVISIONS TO BE PROTECTED FROM PROBLEMATIC CONTENT
NBC UNIVERSAL PLATFORM NO LONGER SUPPORTED

Sony Corporation announced today that its new line of LCD televisions, to be introduced later this month, would have built-in protection against what it termed “problematic content.” Sir Howard Stringer, Sony’s Chairman, CEO and President said “Sony’s goal is to create an environment where consumers can trust that what they are getting is worthy of the TV set it is being played upon.” Right out of the box, all content from NBC Universal will be blocked due to what Sony is calling “its instability.”

In a lengthy public memo elaborating on the reasons for the new strategy, Stringer said, “Sony has had a long history of working with NBC. In fact, every TV we’ve ever built could get NBC programming. However, there are the issues of reliability, security and performance, and NBC’s programming fails on all three fronts. NBC’s late night schedule is just one example of why Sony has determined that the network is not a stable platform.”

In reponse to criticism that Sony is creating a “closed” platform, Stringer responded that it is NBC that is the closed environment. Stringer said, “NBC’s products are 100% proprietary. They are only available from NBC, and NBC has sole authority as to their future enhancement, pricing, etc. There are millions of people who want to create their own TV shows. NBC insists they have to be in color, that they have to be in focus and that they have to star Jay Leno. That’s hardly an open platform. So who are they kidding? By almost any definition, NBC is a closed system.”

In order to make sure that viewers can still get those shows that Sony determines are worthy of their TVs, the company is reaching out directly to the producers of NBC shows. Sony is already in advance negotiations to bring “The Biggest Loser” directly to consumers, “without having to go through that flakey platform,” according to Stringer.

Other innovations in the latest Sony LCD line include the lack of any inputs or outputs, and a new feature where the TV senses if you are lying down or standing on your head, and automatically rotates the picture appropriately.

Stringer stated “This product introduction is a proud moment for the company that was the first to realize that control of hardware and software is the road toward total world domination. We hope that over the next few years, we’ll own the work of every artist in the world, both living and dead.”

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5 Responses to A Press Release From the Not-Too-Distant Future

  1. Ryan Koo says:

    Great excoriating take on the Apple/Adobe war.

    Apple’s reasoning for banning Adobe Flash-originated applications — that non-native applications don’t live up to native programming, from a quality standpoint — is a blanket statement that should really be applied on a case-by-base basis. That’s why Apple already has an approval process in place for applications.

    There are two sides to Apple: their solid technological foundation, and the “our way or the high way” consumer-facing ecosystem. I’m reliant on the former, and have a strong distaste for the latter.

    More here:Apple is getting a bit dickish

  2. Noah Harlan says:

    The comparison would only be really accurate if NBC could not find another television in the marketplace that could show it’s content…

  3. Pingback: Apple Snubs Adobe Again with New Mac Pros - NoFilmSchool

  4. Joe says:

    Comcast may soon OWN NBC and any ways the cable box does all the decoding work and the TV will be ticked in to thinking it’s not NBC.

  5. Sheesh... says:

    Joe…. please tell me that you joking and realize the story was a commentary, not a real story about Sony and NBC.

    Then again..anyone who types; “any ways” is probably missing something.

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